He Sees You, You Are Loved

A Story of Faith Written by Keri Beck

“Turn your ear to me,
Come quickly to my rescue,
Be my rock of refuge,
A strong fortress to save me”
(Psalm 31:2)

I found out I was pregnant at 17 years old-- the summer between my Junior and Senior year.

I had struggled with a lack of confidence and low self esteem. I wanted to fit in and be accepted and I often compared myself to others, which led to body image issues and a series of poor choices. The consequences of those choices put an end to my childhood long before I was ready to take on the new challenges of motherhood.

I felt embarrassed, alone, and worthless, and yet there was life growing inside me. Pregnancy is supposed to be happy and filled with excitement and joy, but instead I just felt broken in my heartache, regret, and above all, my shame.

In my eyes I had three options: marriage, adoption, or single parenting. How was I to make this decision? I felt unworthy to even pray for guidance or go to church. There were whisperings, looks, and judgements from others and I can still feel the shame I felt as a young girl. 

I tried to hide my pregnancy when I was at school because I just didn’t want to deal with the gossip; I eventually left during Christmas break and graduated through homeschool. I wasn’t able to walk in my highschool graduation, which was really hard for me. My struggles with self worth and confidence grew and I wasn’t sure how to move forward.

With the support of my parents, I continued to attend church and took some advice I had learned in a Sunday School class. “If you don’t feel like praying, pray until you do.”  And so I did. I kept turning to God, even when I didn’t feel like I was worthy of Him. I attended social services with other girls who were pregnant, studied and followed the council of my religious leaders, and just kept praying.

“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
(Psalm 31:9)

One night, I prayed the most fervent prayer, pleading for forgiveness for the mistakes I had made and for help with my new life plans. I felt guilt for stealing the attention away from my sisters in our home. I felt guilt because I felt like I brought shame to our family. But most of all, I felt guilt for the way I was bringing my son into the world and for the difficulties we would face in the future. I pleaded, confessed, and poured my heart out to God.

As I prayed, I felt a very real forgiveness from Him and an incredible amount of peace came over me. I could feel the love, a tangible love, of my Savior. It felt like I was in His warm embrace, like I was genuinely accepted as I was. It was the most intimate and real knowing of Him that I had ever had. I suddenly knew that He loved me and above all else, I knew that He loved my unborn child and wanted the best for us. His love replaced my feelings of worthlessness. His peace gave me the confidence I needed to move forward. His forgiveness replaced my shame with humility and hope. I learned that there is no room for shame in my life. Shame is not God’s way. Love is God’s way and through His love I was able to see what I meant to Him, regardless of any decisions I had made. Glory be to God for His love, kindness, and mercy on me.

As I continued to carry my baby, my son became more a part of me and my soul. I loved him, and could not imagine going on with my life without him. God blessed me with an incredibly supportive family who were ready to help me raise my son if that was the decision that I made, and so I was able to keep my sweet boy. The majority of the other girls in my social services group decided on adoption. I have so much respect for the teen moms who place their children for adoption to loving parents-- what a wonderful gift.

I had my beautiful baby boy --a big nine pounder-- in April of 1995. He is amazing and has grown into the most thoughtful, helpful, and kind-hearted boy. I immediately knew the powerful love of a parent and child. He has made everything worth it. I lived with my parents and two of my sisters in my childhood home.  I worked and started taking classes in the medical field. With incredible childcare help from my parents, I eventually worked my way up to becoming a Registered Nurse and graduated from college. Walking in that graduation ceremony was a very proud moment for me. 

Eventually I found my husband and we have blended our families and added more children to our home. It has been an absolute privilege to be a part of my step children's life and I am thankful to them for accepting my son and I into their family and for what we have since created all together. 

Though the road hasn’t always been easy, as I look back at my life’s journey, I see the hand of the Lord in all of it. He was right there helping me through it all, delivering me from mistakes, self doubt, and fear and giving me an incredible son!

I still feel the sting of embarrassment when I look back on my teenage life. Remembering can be painful, but remembering also reminds me that healing and sanctifying continues to this day. Nothing is too big for the Saviors reach. Why keep carrying the burden if He has already carried it for me?

“Let your face shine on your servant;
Save me in your unfailing love.
Let me not be put to shame, Lord
For I have cried out to you”
(Psalm 31:16-17)

I wish I could go back and tell my younger self of her worth. I would tell her not to wait to know her Savior. If you know Him you will know who you are. You are a daughter of God! Give your burdens to Him. Get down on your knees and ask Him to help you see yourself as He sees you and you will know that you are loved!

“Praise be to the Lord.
For he showed me the wonders of his love
When I was in a city under siege”
Psalm 31:21